masochism and sadism are survival tools
Though no one thinks of a child's tantrum as sadism, it can be true that a neglected inner child acts out through an adult's body, still trying to get the control, attention, and love it wanted to receive.
What does this mean for us trauma-conscious kinky folks?
We can become aware of how our relationship to pain is related to our relationship with ourselves.
If early relationships taught us to endure discomfort to receive love, this pattern will inform our choices later in life.
Traumatic experiences in the developmental years of childhood teach the brain to prioritize awareness of what’s around us rather than what’s happening within us.
We learn to monitor the needs and approval of our caretakers to stay safe. In adulthood, we unconsciously seek stimulation and experiences that “fit” familiar patterns.
Sadism and masochism are not limited to expressions of kink or enjoyment of intense sensation ("pain”).
Sadism can look like lashing out at a partner, or at ourselves, for something minor.
Masochism can look like compulsive people-pleasing and ignoring our own needs.
When the subconscious mind gets activated or triggered, some part of us re-experiences a time when we had no control. We automatically turn to defenses we used as a child, dissociating from our current reality as an adult with adult resources and understanding.
These behaviors allow us to feel in control when our body is remembering a time when we had no other options.
Though no one thinks of a child's tantrum as sadism, it can be true that a neglected inner child acts out through an adult's body, still trying to get the control, attention, and love it wanted to receive.
If we choose to become curious about our patterns, we can learn to practice awareness of our internal state and refocus on our own needs and desires. Pain is not just floggers and spankings.
Pain is a deeply held emotional experience of being not seen, understood, and accepted.
Exploring kink consciously, and unkinking our old patterns, can create opportunities for healing these pains, and bring us to greater awareness of ways we may be re-creating them.
Check out the Somatic Sovereignty Journal for a guided tool in exploring internal sadist/mascochist parts and evolving your communication within these relationships.
Check out The Balm of Sadism for additional perspective and prompts for integrating the inner sadist.
