The Balm of Sadism: Integrating Anger as Self-Love

The sadist emerges when pain visits the body

in the form of anger, rage, resentment...

and we resist the pain.

To shield us from the pain, the sadist turns the feeling outward:

I want them to hurt as I have

I must punish them to soothe myself

I take pleasure in their suffering

What dissociated rage-sadism does is continue to keep you separate from the pain. 

Whose pain? YOUR pain.

When you lash out, you are focused on THEM…

YOU are still hurting.

Rage-sadism turned outward is the dissociated pain of ways we’ve been harmed.

It comes out in interpersonal conflicts, and in times when internal conflict boils over.

Healthy rage is clear, self-protective, rooted in the body and in purpose.

Dissociated, stuck, kinky rage is punishing, sadistic and often senseless.

When sadism visits our relationships with self and other, we may find ourselves lashing out, going cold, or turning away.

Stuck rage can manifest in just about any of the 4F trauma responses:

lashing out as FIGHT,

shutting down/coldness as FREEZE, and

turning away as FLIGHT.

We might even see the rage-sadist turn "friendly," silver-tongued and manipulative, as it tries to coerce or gaslight to communicate its punishing (FAWN).

Consider what lashing out, shutting down, turning away in conflict communicates:

• Your expression of truth doesn't matter to me
• You don't deserve compassion
• You are wrong to protest your perception of hurt
• Your experience isn't bad enough for me to care
• You don't get to have a say in the world we live in

and....

• I can't deal with your pain
• I don't want to be vulnerable
• I won't allow myself to witness you
• I'm ashamed to share in this with you

Ouch. 

How many ways have we been told this? 

How much have we been taught to treat others in this way? Our own exiled Selves?

And how many other stories do we carry? How much pain do we hold from those old wounds?

Un-integrated sadism: the effect is separation

MY HURT COMES FROM THEM/

(so)

THEIR HURT COMES FROM ME

Integrated Sadism: MY HURT COMES FROM ME.

I am hurting.

I have hurt in me.

What is this hurt? (What am I ready to project onto someone else?)

What do I need to do for myself to transform this pain to pleasure?

What do I need to tell myself, offer this wounded part of myself?

What boundaries do I need?

What truth is asking to be communicated?

Maybe…

I'm sorry you were made to believe anyone deserved suffering.

I'm sorry someone taught you that painful idea.

It doesn’t need to be this way anymore.

I feel your pain, and it is safe for you to feel it too.

Thank you, for letting me feel this pain with you. 

What do you need, hurt self? I will care for you in those ways as best I can.

I love you, I love that I feel this way, thank you, hurt self, for letting me know about this pain we carry.

Go under the anger, and there is your grief, waiting to be healed.

Rage is information for values and boundaries, to love your grief. 

To see rage as an implement of punishment and control, a tool of the unintegrated sadist, will continually turn us outward, in disconnection from the function of our own emotions: messengers of the Self, the Inner World.

Remaining dissociated, as though our emotions come from outside of us, turns our feelings and the world into potential enemy for every unhealed wound we carry.

Integrating rage, becoming the "sadist" to oneself means you can learn to love all sensation... as messenger.

Instead of projecting pain outward you hold compassionate space within for pain and pleasure alike.

The pain is an invitation to not turn away.

Ouch that hurt. 

Thank you. What now?