when it hurts so good

I encountered this phenomenon so frequently in kink/BDSM spaces.

The relationship between trauma re-enactment and kink is so clear that I’ve come to see any "stigma" of kink as really being trauma stigma.

The body finds ways to bring unconscious experiences to the surface. This isn’t a bug– it’s a feature.

Our desires show us where attention is needed for healing.

We seek out familiar patterns of wounding and coping.

We reinforce the ways we were praised or punished as comfortable truths.

Hurts so good, right?

Letting the shadow out to play so it can feed our pain back to us is probably always going to be a first step, but until we’re aware of this, it isn’t healing.

We stay stuck until we find a way to actually release and reclaim the energy that once overwhelmed us.

And when we’ve been conditioned to survive in a fragmented state of fear?

Healing is fucking uncomfortable.

Choosing change hurts in a way the familiar pain never could.

It reveals how much pent-up suffering we’ve held in our body.

It is choosing to bear the unbearable cleansing of open wounds over learning to fetishize the bandaid holding us together.

Blissfully, this kind of conscious pain opens us to ecstatic pleasure: to truth.

The more you can stay present and embrace the reality of your experience, the more you can access profound connection and wholeness.

In Waking the Tiger Pete Levine calls this a need for “renegotiation.”

Rather than “re-enact” and repeat old patterns, we hold awareness of them as we create new paths.

Fresh paths, and the act of choosing itself, teaches our bodies that we aren’t in danger.

Practicing this in kink carries over to all aspects of life.

I frequently see messaging in kink/BDSM about using scenes to recreate trauma as a way to heal.

I rarely see information about what's involved for successful re-negotiation, rather than re-enactment.

I was able to heal and transform through and beyond kink when I:

🔥Noticed what evoked arousal, and asked myself why
🖤Noticed what evoked repulsion, and asked myself why
🔥Prioritized body and heart over what my mind had been told
🖤Centered my own power and wholeness
🔥Refused to participate in dynamics evocative of abuse

Has kink ever been a part of your healing?

How did you learn to love your wounds all the way closed?