Exploring kink is a bit like exploring the wilderness.

It’s full of strange and sometimes beautiful adventures and exciting discoveries. It often stretches the limits of our bodies and expands our minds.

Sure, there are some predators- but they aren’t even the most dangerous part of the exploring.

The majority of people who get injured or go missing in wilderness areas do so because of a lack of knowledge and preparedness. The excitement and novelty of exploring can sometimes make us forget that we are still fundamentally in the same reality: still vulnerable, still human, despite what our overconfidence and spur-of-the-moment risk-taking might have us believe.

The excitement of "wilderness" is driven by an artificial divide of nature and human. Similarly, the excitement of "taboo" sexual exploration is driven by an artificial divide of kinky and vanilla.

A commitment to listening to the intuitive body and a strong sense of discernment are the best tools for navigating kink safely.

The euphemisms of BDSM– terms like dominance, age play, and consensual nonconsent– are softening words. Lots of kink terminology functions to manufacture a false sense of safety and normalcy by downplaying the realities of abuse, pedophilia and rape culture.

Our bodies do not process fantasy and reality differently.

The fantasy of feeling rugged and confident, at one with nature, will not save a person from the reality of a deadly fall while hiking a mountain pass.

And a fantasy of feeling "safe sane and consensual" within the bubble of kink will similarly not necessarily save a person from the reality of how their body processes an experience of pain, fear, or degradation.

As far as the subconscious is concerned, what we do is what is real.

The conscious mind then creates stories to justify our chosen reality.

The euphemisms of kink help maintain this divergence between our unconscious felt reality, and what we choose to believe.

When we unkink ourselves we get really honest about what it is that we do, and what experience lies at the heart of our desire.

When we are willing to open to the subconscious influences underneath our desires, we often find they aren't exactly what we thought they were.

"Submissive" desires aren't really rooted in a desire for lack of power, they are in desire to re-affirm power that was never acknowledged.

Desires to "dominate" aren't about abuse or control, they are about being able to serve and provide.

Pain is a desire for intensity, bondage a desire to become free.

The framework of kink and BDSM removes the ability to see clearly and say what's true– that domination in all forms is oppressive and harmful, that abusive systems teach us to normalize and even enjoy abuse, and that all of us are capable of perpetuating harm this way.

It would be absurd to teach hikers and outdoor aficionados that simply liking the idea of and agreeing to the experience of a wilderness trip is enough to keep them safe.

And yet education around BDSM educators focus on dubious ideas of consent and fantasy to manufacture a false sense of security when it comes to engaging in activities with real potential to do harm.

Unkinking is about learning to respect and play with the psyche the same way we'd learn to explore the wilderness.

The kink doesn't need to lead us crashing through the undergrowth with foolhardy confidence. The desire can instead lead: unfolding us to the nuance beyond simply thrill-chasing, we become attuned to the weather, our body, our surroundings. We mindfully equip ourselves, a pack full of self knowledge, communication tools, and trauma-informed care practuces.

The play becomes true exploration, rather than following the beaten path, because it remains uniquely ours, always in connection to our felt sense in the moment, our partner, our changing sensations.

Beyond the confines of spaces which demand participation in dynamics of dominating or submitting, there is a wilderness of erotic potential. Unkinking is to embrace this opportunity to engage with our deeper experience, and let it liberate us.